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Story of I

By Bamboo In The Wind

My Quest:

I want to succeed

I want to progress

I want to grow

I want to make friends

I want to work for the best company

I want to have the best company

I want to be recognized

I want to showcase my work

I want to be liked

I want to be popular

I want to change everything I touch

And then the bliss:

I am someone. I am onto something. I am somewhere. 

And then I have this other side:

I don't want to get into trouble

I don't want to get burdened

I don't want to work on what I am given

I don't want to listen

I don't want to be lonely

I can't tolerate

It doesn't matter to me

I can't make it happen

It can't be my problem

I don't care

I don't want the responsibility

I am not being heard

And then the puzzle:

I am not sure. I am not someone, something, somewhere.

And one quiet moment and a discovery that I have a daunting list of demands from myself lest I have many demands on others. Strange, I say, that I demand so much from myself. Those, that instantiate my quest for how I can fulfill I care less - whatever it takes, time, money, energy, manipulation. I must use everything in my power that gets me going.

Nothing wrong with being ambitious… What is the purpose of being if not to achieve something in a lifetime? There really is none - except my goal appears to depend on - wanting - marred with anticipatory regrets that ensue.

While I have wants and I have the means to meet those; in reality, my journey oftentimes is fraught with disappointment. I am stumped unexpectedly.

Why is it so that I continue to work this way then?

Possibly due to a sense of competition from others. Possibly due to a belief (lack of it) in oneself. Most probably recognition is mistakenly seen as an outcome. Yes, wants can lead to a perception of recognition. Recognition that soothes me. The one that makes me move away from the action and turn to what I want, post it.

I feel that way, possibly due to me defining my domain of existence by following archaic methods of organizing so-called purposeful units - at home, at schools, at universities, in workplaces, and in societies.

I know no other way to step out and explore. I write multiplexers to facilitate communicating digital code but alas I never even think of deploying those in my own life. I handle exceptions in my programs but I do not give room for those during my day or my night. I know how to abort a wrong of the digital but can't even muster the courage to apply that when I need it in my life. I want to log and transparently report even the minutest of workings of inconsequential actions in the programming realm but I seldom think I need to implement it for my own sake.

I often stop short of becoming the fall guy. I begin to fear failure. I often jump to accepting mistakes, only to turn that into a habit. I learn to navigate to walk around roadblocks, only to turn myself into a bystander/spectator.

I then realize that the outcomes I desire don't come and wonder why. No matter how much skill, planning, energy, and dedication with which I remain in pursuit. The goals and my wants often remain far from my reach.

It might dawn upon me that outcomes aren't to be seen without doing, failing, learning, adapting, and doing it again. Failing is a process of strengthening self-belief. Failing is a process of understanding what went wrong, and who I impacted.

Failing is also to revive and restart.

Failing itself is one special outcome I must aspire to achieve. A much-desired one.
I might gather sometime that the "wants" are unexpected resultants I draw from my doings and seldom the starting "goals".

I sure hope I will reach that realization - soon. For, I have to get going - and focus on doing.

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